SHG: Chubby Checker: "Limbo Rock"

Chubby Checker: “Limbo Rock”
Entered the chart on: 9/29/62
Peaked on: 12/22/62
Weeks at #2: 2
Song at #1: “Telstar” by the Tornadoes

*sigh*

I was going to try a stalling tactic for this review, but there’s no way around it. Let’s just jump in with both feet and get it over with.

Mind you, Chubby Checker, despite his derivative name (and the fact that he’s of average girth), is not a man without talent. He had a strong voice and an uncanny talent for mimicry; listen to his now-forgotten debut hit, “The Class.” Cameo-Parkway used that talent for...um...ripping off Hank Ballard (the original singer of “The Twist,” whose rendition Mr. Checker’s twice #1 version blatantly carbon-copies). Checker blames Cameo-Parkway for ruining his career, making him a laughingstock. I’ll side with the man here, as I’ve heard some of his post C-P singles where it’s revealed, in his heart of hearts, he really wanted to be...Jimi Hendrix? And damn if he didn’t almost pull it off!

In other words, they took a man with scads of potential, and squandered his talents on faddish dance-craze records. I feel no regret for what I’m about to do.



I’ll be perfectly honest: this doesn’t even feel like a “real” song. This is what I call “functional” music. It’s like the Hokey Pokey, or the Chicken Dance. Something a wedding DJ puts on to get kids and grandparents alike out on the dance floor. Chubby tries to enliven this with the laughter, the spoken word breaks (“How low can you go?” Oh, the irony!), but I’m having none of it. The handclaps almost got me into it. Almost. But not quite.

The faux-calypso style, apparently inspired by half an hour of listening to a Harry Belafonte record, feels phoned in. It’s just so repetitive! And the unison sax/whistle repeat of that melody one more time certainly isn’t helping.

I can’t imagine anyone listening to this one on purpose. Obnoxious.

Rating: 1

SHG: Bobby Vee: "Run to Him"

Bobby Vee: “Run to Him”
Entered the chart on: 9/18/1961
Peaked on: 12/25/1961
Weeks at #2: 1
Song at #1: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” by the Tokens

Bobby Vee, if I ever think of him at all...actually, let me stop right here. I tend not to think of him at all. He’s never struck me as anyone’s favorite. I can’t imagine legions of raving, screaming, stomping Bobby Vee fans showering him with adulation. He seems like someone who had chart hits mainly to fulfill some kind of quota. The sort of artist where you ask someone about him, they respond with, “Eh, he’s all right I guess.”

Which isn’t to say that his output was completely without worth (he had a decent singing voice and “The Night Has a Thousand Eyes” was well-crafted, if not quite a masterpiece) but the mere mention of his name doesn’t exactly quicken the pulse.

Now, in my copy of the Whitburn Book, I’ve placed check-marks next to all the songs I’ve heard. This isn’t completely helpful, as there’s no context for it. It doesn’t explain where and under what circumstances I heard it. My guess would be that I was listening to some charts-obsessed oldies radio personality, a Dick Bartley or Casey Kasem presentation, probably. More pertinent for our purposes, just because I’ve heard a song doesn’t mean I’ll remember it years later, and that’s definitely the case with “Run to Him.” Not conjuring up memories of any kind of melody based on the title. So let’s “refresh” my “memory” of this one...



The loping rhythm of this almost makes me feel of an old cowboy song, but the swaths of strings and the drippy Johnny Mann Singers tell us we’re solidly in Bobby Rydell territory. That said, this might be the first teen-idol song I’ve heard done with any sort of competence. Yes, it’s sugary-sweet as hell, but it’s at least well-produced and well-written (Gerry Goffin co-wrote it). Yes, I’ll probably forget it as soon as it’s done playing (again) but Bobby’s singing voice is quite spiffy. No punched notes, no overwrought teenage melodrama, just a sweet melody performed well. The chord and key changes on this are actually surprisingly sophisticated for a tune made to appeal to teenaged girls.

Not in love with this, but I appreciate that it’s not just a quickie done with zero effort and hustled out the door to earn a quick buck. Like most of what I’ve heard from him, perfectly adequate.

Rating: 3

SHG: The Dovells: "The Bristol Stomp"

The Dovells: “Bristol Stomp”
Entered the chart on: 9/18/1961
Peaked on: 10/23/1961
Weeks at #2: 2
Song at #1: “Runaround Sue” by Dion

Not to obsess, but after listening to “Crying,” I went ahead and re-familiarized myself with Don McLean’s version and k. d. lang’s also for good measure*. And you know what? Both versions are very, very good! Neither is quite as spectacular as the original, at first, but both are performed by first-rate singers with reverence to the source material, yet who make the song their own. Isn’t that what good cover songs do?

Something tells me I’ll be referring back to this text in the near future.

Anyway, the Dovells. Is this the first “dance craze” record we’ve covered at Second Hand Goods? Was there really a dance to go with this song? Or did they just want to get their home-town some air-time on national, public radio. No idea if it’s actually true, but I understand the BBC banned this tune**, considering its lyric too salacious. “Bristols,” you see, is a slang term for women’s breasts.

Methinks someone at the BBC has a dirtier mind than any of us. What did they think this song was about? The mind boggles...



Oh yes, this is a Cameo-Parkway joint, so I think that’s a big, fat “yes” on the “is this a dance craze song or not?” Cameo-Parkway were the crassest of the early “youth-oriented” labels; they had no shame in jumping on any trend that came down the pike and exploiting it with ruthless abandon.

The thing that sticks in my mind about this, more than the insistent “The kids in Bristol are sharp as a pistol, etc.” backing vocal litany, is that jaunty guitar strumming accompaniment. Trust me to notice something about the instrumental track!

I guess we’re in “white people trying to sound black” territory again, which explains Len Barry’s wailing lead vocal on this. I don’t dislike it, but he’s kind of all over the place, missing notes right and left. Is it just me? Maybe it is, because obviously a lot of people bought this record.

I don’t know, maybe I’d like it better if they used a different take, but I bet Cameo-Parkway wanted to rush-release this and get it out the door as quick as possible to exploit the ever-fickle teenage taste. Because that’s the Cameo-Parkway way.

Rating: 3

*Still haven’t worked up the nerve to check out the rendition by Dutch Schlager singer Gerard Joling. I’m still burned by the time I heard what Wayne Newton did to “In Dreams.”
**It did become a hit, albeit belatedly, for the UK nostalgia group the Late Show in 1979.

SHG: Johnny Tillotson: "Poetry in Motion"

Johnny Tillotson: “Poetry in Motion” Entered the chart on: 10/24/1960 Peaked on: 11/14/1960 Weeks at #2: 1 Song at #1: “Georgia on My Mind” by Ray Charles

Florida native Johnny Tillotson eventually earned his name as a country singer. I say “eventually” because somebody at Cadence Records got the “brilliant” idea to sell the young singer out of the gate as the Dixieland answer to the Philadelphia scene (Frankie Avalon, Bobby Rydell, et al). That may have shifted some units in the short run but it’s pretty much worthless to us now. I should always worry when I get three or four highly-rated songs in a row.



Oh my God, could his voice be any more affected and precious? It’s like he received the direction, “You’re not enunciating enough! Emphasize ev-er-y syl-la-ble clear-ly!” “Ad-o-er”? Ugh!

Everything about this song is just twee beyond belief. Even the saxophone enunciates! And what’s with the wailing female backing singer? Did she get lost on the way to the Paul Anka session?

Eh...it’s not horrible like “Puppy Love” but it sounds like something square parents would cook up that they think their kids might like. I definitely don’t ever need to hear it again.

Rating: 1

SHG: Paul Anka: "Puppy Love"

Paul Anka: “Puppy Love”
Entered the chart on: 3/7/1960
Peaked on: 4/4/1960
Weeks at #2: 2
Song at #1: “Theme From A Summer Place” by Percy Faith

I have been dreading this one.

Actually, I do have a funny story about this one. But not about the original, about the cover by Donny Osmond (Demons in Hell, why would anyone want to cover this monstrosity? Oh, right, it’s the Osmonds. Mike Curb was in charge of them in the 70s, and the man had execrable taste!). I don’t know which of us did it, and I don’t remember how we came across it, but either friend-of-the-show David Perkins or I came across a Real Media/Quicktime snippet of bootleg audio of an audience recording from an Osmond brothers show from circa 1973. Donny’s rendition of “Puppy Love” went a little something like this:

“And they called it...”

[the rest of the song is drowned out by the fortissimo, rodent-like screeching of hundreds of adolescent girls]

I have to wonder if girls reacted to Paul Anka’s original in that manner. And how hormones could possibly suppress the “good taste” indicator so strongly.



[bangs head against desk repeatedly]

We’re back to this then? “They tell us we’re too young to know what real love is...blah blah blah.” At least Bobby Rydell’s song, lame as it was, tried. This is just saccharine, swathed in treacly strings and those hideous “angels in Heaven” choral vocals.

Let’s not even get started on Anka’s vocal performance here, which borders on the comical before spilling over straight into tragedy. He’s so histrionic in his delivery—sobbing, stuttering, whimpering pitifully in a ludicrously exaggerated fashion—I have a hard time believing this isn’t some kind of put-on. Who thought any of this was a good idea?

So quintessentially appalling, I think I might have broken my own rating scale.

Rating: 0 [obviously]

SHG: Bobby Rydell: "Wild One"

Bobby Rydell: “Wild One”
Entered the chart on: 2/8/1960
Peaked on: 3/28/1960
Weeks at #2: 1
Song at #1: “Theme From A Summer Place” by Percy Faith

And so, we’re back to the phony rock teen-idols of the so-called Philadelphia Scene. To be fair to Bobby, he was definitely preferable to the likes of Frankie “I’m plugging my nose to sound more like a teenager with adenoids” Avalon or [shudder] Fabian. Bobby had some actual singing ability, which probably explains why the top brass at Cameo-Parkway paired him up with songs like Domenico Modugno’s classic “Volare.” They wanted you to be sure you knew he could really sing!

But...yeah. That’s damning with faint praise. It’s like saying that getting a poison-oak rash on your arm isn’t as bad as getting one on your eyes. And he still has about as much to do with rock & roll as an accordion.



Sorry, you can doll this up with as much chunky electric guitar and twist-club saxophone, but you can’t fool me. Bobby’s Vegas lounge performer ethos completely swamps any attempt at me taking this seriously as “rock & roll.” Well, that and the shrill female backing chorus, no member of which sounds to be over the age of fifteen.

The “Wild One” of the title is his intended lady love, who he wishes to “be wild about me!” Eh...I’m running out of things to say about this. It doesn’t sound like a “real” song, rather like a song that would appear on a TV show performed by some second-string run-of-the-mill session singer play-acting at being somebody famous and beloved. Somewhat apropos for the future star of Bye Bye Birdie. You could picture Mary Stone on The Donna Reed Show or Linda Williams on Make Room for Daddy twisting to this but real people?

I think they’d prefer Ricky Nelson. Oh, the irony.

Rating: 1

SHG: Paul Anka: "Put Your Head on My Shoulder"

Paul Anka: “Put Your Head on My Shoulder”
Entered the chart on: 9/14/1959
Peaked on: 10/5/1959
Weeks at #2: 3
Song at #1: “Mack the Knife” by Bobby Darin

I’ve been dealing out a lot of fours and fives in this series of late. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ladies and gentlemen, that day has arrived.

You see, I knew I’d have to talk about the “teen idols” sooner or later. Tommy Sands was just the tip of the iceberg. That Frankie Avalon tune sitting in the top spot during the Coasters’ entry was the sword of Damocles hanging over this feature until now. 1959 was the year the dam burst and the opportunists flooded the market with a bunch of non-threatening pretty boys designed to make teen girls swoon. In general, they had nothing to do with rock & roll; more a throwback to the old crooner days, minus the quality control. Many of them (I’m looking at you, Fabian) couldn’t even sing; it was all faked by a laborious technique of “punching” in every note and hoping he’d hit it right eventually. Being the producer and/or engineer of one of these sessions must have been a thankless task.

And then we have Canadian import Paul Anka. Paul had a leg-up on the competition in that he could play the piano and wrote his own material. Mind you, that didn’t mean that material was any good. This was the man, after all, that would bring us “You’re Having My Baby,” one of the most cringe-worthy MOR horrors the 70s ever wrought. And yes, that song hit #1. The man has a lot to answer for.



O sweet Zeus, make it stop! The tremolo guitar, the angelic female backing vocals, Anka’s overwrought voice, the cheesy punching of the word “baby,” it’s all too much. He’s certainly no Fats Domino at the ivories, either, his playing, apart from a flamboyant glissando leading into the Eurovision-style key-change at the end, it’s all steady “plink plink plink” with no variation from beginning to end. Before, I was thinking, “well, at least it’s one of his more tolerable songs.” I was wrong. This is worse than I had remembered. Don’t make yourself suffer like I did. Rating: 0

SHG: Elvis Presley: "Wear My Ring Around Your Neck"

Elvis Presley: “Wear My Ring Around Your Neck”
Entered the chart on: 4/21/58
Peaked on: 4/28/58
Weeks at #2: 1 week
Song at #1: “Twilight Time” by the Platters

Step One in the taming of the Elvis: have him sing a song featuring the lyric, “I’m yours by heck.”

This song confused me as a kid. How small would a woman’s neck have to be to have a man’s ring fit around it. I didn’t know they meant for her to wear it from a chain around her neck. I imagine younger listeners would be even more confused, for if the tradition of wearing someone’s ring around your neck was passé even by my time...



Actually, this is Step 1½ in the taming of the Elvis. Step One was having him sing a song called “Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear*,” which this song is a veritable carbon-copy of. Right, this song isn’t anything tremendous, there’s even the “They tell us we’re too young, blah blah blah” bit in the bridge.

But here’s the thing. The bridge is what makes this song! Elvis is the main good thing about this song, and it’s during that bridge where he really cuts loose. If you had a lesser performer, say a Tommy Sands, doing this song, it would be totally worthless. Elvis elevates the material with his energy and charisma.

Speaking of Tommy Sands, might I add that the Jordanaires are featured to much better effect here than on “Teen-Age Crush”? Their excited “doo-doot-doo” backing vocals propel the song to new heights, so it’s not only Elvis himself making the most of mediocre material. For whatever reason, this song remains quite enjoyable.

Rating: 4

*me being me, I’d prefer Teddy Roosevelt, or better yet “Pecos Bill” Shafter, to be my Teddy Bear.

SHG: Ricky Nelson: "A Teenager's Romance"

Ricky Nelson: “A Teenager’s Romance”
Entered the chart on: 5/27/1957
Peaked on: 6/10/1957
Weeks at #2: 1 week
Song at #1: “Love Letters in the Sand” by Pat Boone

Oh dear, we’re back to the teenage exploitation records, aren’t we? Well, sort of. Ricky Nelson tried so hard for rock & roll credibility but it really eluded him until the 70s and his country-rock years with the Stone Canyon Band. Back in the 50s? Yes, he was fighting an uphill battle. In the popular consciousness, he was a radio/TV star using his parents’ Hollywood clout to kick-start a music career. Imperial Records surely just saw him as a cute, non-threatening fresh face that appealed to young girls. He could cover Fats Domino tunes until he was blue in the face, yet it would be stuff like this that the average Joe would wind up mentally associating him with for years.



OK, lyrically this is the same song as “Teen Age Crush.” The exact same. “They tell us we’re too young to know what true love is, blah blah blah.” That said, this is better on every level. I really like the male backing vocals that form the backbone of this tune, and are way up-front right at the start. Oh, that bass singer! I think I’m in love! The sax solo is another nice touch here.

And say what you will about Ricky, he did have a good singing voice. The melody doesn’t overly tax him, and you get the feeling he’d rather be singing “I’m Walkin’” (the flip side of this very single) but his voice is not without expression and pitch control. He does service to the song and proves he’s not just another pretty face.

That said, you can arrange the song as nicely as you please and it won’t cover up the fact that it’s rather lacking in substance. The lyrics, as I’ve already implied, are beyond vapid, and the song itself isn’t anything vastly special, either. I get the feeling that this is fairly typical of Ricky’s less-remembered hits these days: competently-made fluff.

I’d still rather listen to this than Pat Boone any day of the week.

Rating: 2

SHG: Tommy Sands: "Teen-Age Crush"

Tommy Sands: “Teen-Age Crush”
Entered the chart on: 2/23/1957
Peaked on: 3/16/1957
Weeks at #2: 2 weeks
Song at #1: “Young Love” by Tab Hunter

So, my current review schedule has me binging on 50s music. Artists I’ve long appreciated but forgotten about: LaVern Baker, Nat “King” Cole, Sarah Vaughan, Johnnie Ray, Kay Starr, Fats Domino, Elvis Presley, Carl Perkins, and so on. A recent whim dug up this oddity* from my parents’ record collection. It always creeped me out a bit; why should a bouncy, uptempo piano-shuffle instrumental have this unearthly, wordless soprano choir delivering the melody? And then that infectious rock & roll sax solo comes out of freaking nowhere! What a weird song! It’s no wonder it wasn’t a bigger hit (peaking at #38)!

By now I hear you asking, “Mike, are you stalling because you don’t want to review this edition’s song?” Maybe. Maybe because it’s sung by an actor who’s mainly remembered today for appearing opposite Annette Funicello in the Disney musical Babes in Toyland. Or for his failed marriage to Nancy Sinatra. Or because it’s called “Teen-Age Crush.” Anyway, the edition in my copy of Joel Whitburn’s Top 40 Hits has a check-mark in pencil next to it, which means I have heard this song before, but I have no memory of it. Rateyourmusic reviewer “Paddlesteamer” quotes a Youtube comment on this song: “I didn’t like this song back in ’57 and after listening to it again I still don’t.” Bodes well, doesn’t it?

Well, let’s get this over with...



[groan]

Listening to him over-sing, over-enunciate and generally make me cringe is not a pleasant experience. He just has this over-loaded kind of voice that is just off-putting to listen to. Think someone without vocal training trying to imitate Anthony Newley and you get an idea of his voice. The instrumental track is your typical rock-imitative pop song of the era, with the insistent plink-plink-plink piano and “ah-ahhh” backing vocal support**.

It’s funny, it’s like people didn’t realize that teenagers were a thing that existed until 1956 or so, and that it was an audience that could be pandered to. This is exploitation, pure and simple. As bad as I know this is, I only know it’s going to get worse as the really crass and embarrassing “youth oriented” stuff begins to surface. I see Bobby Rydell and Paul Anka in my near future and I am not looking forward to it!

I should look on the bright side. I could be reviewing this single’s B-side, “Hep Dee Hootie (Cutie Wootie).” Or Tab Hunter’s “Young Love,” for that matter. What a toxic top 2 this is!

Rating: 0

*in case the link doesn’t work, the tune is “Cha-Hua-Hua” by the Pets.
**I see that’s the Jordanaires on backing vocals, they who were heard to much better effect on many of Patsy Cline’s big hits.